Transitions and Lessons

First, it is always interesting to be reading a book and have it resonate so much that it seems like it was written for you specifically. I feel that way about Mornings with Henri J.M. Nouwen.

I will share the reflection I read this morning, titled: The Rewards of Compassion

“One of the most memorable times of my own life was the time I spent living with the Osco Moreno family in Pamplona Alta near Lima, Peru…. I went to Peru with a deep desire to help the poor. I returned home with a deep gratitude for what I received. Later, while teaching at Harvard Divinity School, I often felt a real homesickness for “my family.” I missed the children hanging onto my arms and legs, laughing loudly and sharing their cookies and drinks with me. I missed the spontaneity, the intimacy, and the generosity with which the poor of Pamplona Alta surrounded me. They literally showered me with gifts of love. No doubt, they were happy and even poud to have this tall “Gringo Padre” with them, but whatever I gave them, it was nothing compared to what I received.

The rewards of compassion are no things to wait for. They are hidden in compassion itself.”

This resonates with me. I was showered with love and hospitality in Tanzania and I often miss “my family” there. I miss little Frankie knocking on my door and calling for me to chase him and tickle him. I miss sitting in Mama Nori’s duka and discussing life and family. I miss Funza and afternoon meals at Mama Maulidi’s and English lessons with the kids. I miss advice from Babu Kiyando. I miss mornings of helping Hussein and Goodness make maandazi. I miss little Husseini’s smile and Iddy’s hugs. Mostly I miss people. People who I loved and who loved me and who taught me a lot about life, hardship, perseverance, dedication, and hospitality.

I have truly enjoyed time with family and reconnecting with friends, but the transition back to the US has not been easy. I have invested a lot of time and emotional effort into processing my time in Tanzania and things that went well and things that didn’t go so well. I made a lot of mistake and I learned a ton, but I feel processing and learning from my experience has taken a lot out of me emotionally. Coming back to the US has also brought lots of decisions about what to do next. Where to live. What kind of job to look for. What to do next in my life. These are not easy decisions. In addition to all of that, there has been a loneliness that I did not expect, a much deeper ache of loneliness than I have felt in a long time or ever before.

I am incredibly thankful to the Schmitts for offering me their guest room and showing me hospitality during this time of transition. Also, thankful for everyone who has supported me through this process and everyone who has prayed for me.

I learned a lot in Tanzania, but this time of transition has also brought many lessons and is helping me understand myself more. Some of the lessons are more reminders of things I have been taught or learned before and even challenges to live out the truths that I know.

Some of the biggest lessons have been about turning my focus off of myself and back to Jesus. Fixing my gaze upon Him. Knowing that I can never be obedient to the call to love others as Christ has loved me, unless I am first filled with His love, connected to the life-giving Source. God loves us unconditionally, the only way I can love others without condition is if my need for love and affirmation and identity is met through Him and His love. Only then can I begin to love others as He loves me. If I look for love and affirmation in other people I will continue to be disappointed and if I love people because I expect them to love me back, that puts conditions on my love for them.

Another important lesson is releasing my desire to control things and people. I find myself frustrated and often it’s because I want other people to do things differently or be different, but I can’t control other people. I can control how I respond and act and I can change my focus and through gazing at Jesus be changed myself, but I can’t change other people. And ultimately God’s in control anyway.

I still feel that I am in the phase of transition and I am seeking to listen for His voice and fix my gaze upon Him. I desire to daily be filled with His love and to abide in Him and be obedient to His Word.

He is with me and will never leave me. He is guiding me and will continue to guide me.

I am thankful for His faithfulness and His love.

If you prayed for me while I was in Tanzania, please continue to pray for me as I continue in this time of transition and pray that I would really learn the lessons He has for me during this time.