why do i feel the need to defend…

earlier this week i was talking with a friend and we started talking about tanzania and art for a change and raising money for hananasif and then about my trip back. at different points in the conversations he made suggestions to do things and i responded with my thoughts. i spoke in a passionate and strong way. but at one he point he said “you don’t need to convince me.” he pointed out that i had said multiple times already in the conversations things like i should go back because of …
he said that i just needed to be convinced myself that going back to tanzania and hananasif is what i am supposed to do. he’s supportive of my plans to go back and i don’t need to try to convince him it’s a good thing, but yet at various points throughout the conversations i found myself defending my plans to go back. defending my reasonings and why i should go. defending my perspective on things. there was no need to defend these things to him.
as i was walking home that night, i began asking myself. why do i defend this so strongly. i don’t think the way i was talking is just because i am passionate about this. part of the reason i am so passionate is really good – i do really love these kids and think about tanzania and hananasif everyday. i truly want to love them more and serve them.
i think there are other issues at play as well…other issues that i need to deal with. it might be because there are a fair number of people in my life who don’t think it’s the best idea for me to go back to Tanzania or they really think that i should go through some well established big program, including family members.
i think this is a factor, but other things are definitely factors as well.

i do also wonder if part of my defensiveness is trying to convince myself still that this is what i should do.

i truly want to be open to the advice of others. i really need advice and help as i plan my trip back. there are so many things that i do not really know how to handle or what to do. i want to learn from others. i truly desire this, but if all i do is defend myself and my perspective and my plans then i am not going to learn from others. i need to be open to the advice and perspective of others. during this conversation i was not open and it was with a friend who i think i can learn a lot from and who can probably offer me some good advice.

but being aware is good. so i am going to strive to be more open. be quick to listen and less defensive.

oh how i do the things that i don’t want to do and do not do some of the things i truly desire to do.